I really prayed for the first time in about four months today whilst I was out delivering leaflets, this is what I prayed;
“Father, God, help me. I am alone, it feels as if there is no-one around me, but that I am carrying so many people’s burdens for them. I am alone, although people want to help me, although people truly love me, I push them out, it’s as if I’m terrified of anyone knowing one thing that’s sincere about me, so I shut everyone out, the closest people to me I have set at such a great distance form me that they wouldn’t recognize me were I to let them see me in my entirety. My father is the only person who I have any real conversation with now, and only because he pushes for it, and now I have even pushed him away so many times that he won’t or can’t come near me. I am terrified of anyone knowing that I am imperfect, as if were they to know that I am not whole and complete, they would desert me. Its like I have some deep dark secret about me, so deep and dark that even I don’t know it, but were anyone to find out about it then they would leave me, that there is something so wrong with me that I could never function as a member of society were anyone to discover it and reveal it, so I hide myself. I surround myself with false personalities, or, at best, a personality that draws largely on one small part of my real, wretched personality, and ignores the other parts of this real person that is me. I’m so ashamed of the pain that I experience to the point of being terrified of anyone spotting it, so I must always be ‘fine’. I run a mile from anyone who discovers the pain inside of me, or I set up a new trench to keep them away from me. I surround myself with frosted glass so that no-one is able to see the broken, painful wretch behind it. Although I desperately need and cry out for companionship, when it is offered to me in earnest, I shrink away, I decline, avoid the potential help and support, just in case they find out about the real self whilst giving a boost to the clown’s mask that I have create for myself. God, help me. I am alone. I am wretched. I am unable to help myself. God help me.”
I’m sorry about the brutal honesty of this post but there are some things that I like to keep private but I think it is spiritually better for me to be in the light, much more uncomfortable and awkward, but much more healthy. Also, I know that none of this is unique, and that ‘everyone feels like this’, or, so I am always told, but I feel that I needed to say it some where. Note; whilst writing this post I have been listening to the album ‘Remember’ by Jason Upton.
